To Be A Giles: Troubles on a Blocked Writer’s Mind

A great writer once told me “Go live life first and then write about it and everything you learn from it later.”
Well, that’s been about two years ago, and it seems even when I think I’m ready to get back into writing, in reality I’m not quite done living it yet. It’s frustrating because I still get ideas for great stories, or ideas to add to stories I already have in progress, but I can’t follow through on it. Literally, all I can do is write down my idea, and when I try to keep going my mind runs face-first into a wall. BAM!!!
There are some big changes going on in my life right now and my mind is constantly buzzing with so many thoughts it looks like the 5 o’clock traffic every day in Dallas (and yes, I do get the 3-5 thought pile-up often too).
Here’s an example of what’s going on in my brain:
Ugh, okay I need to wake up super early so I can text my husband I love him and to have a good day, then have some quiet time before everyone wakes up and the TV gets turned on all freakin’ day. I need to write a good blog post to keep my readers entertained and I just need to write because it’s like the only time I do actually write here lately. I need to study for my GED for at least four hours even though I wish it was eight, even though the only thing I need to work on is Math. I’ll finish the book and hopefully do good on the pre-tests in the back of the book in a week or so so I can take the test, pass, get my GED, and start college at FullSail before or as soon as I get to move down to the base with my Airman. I hope I get to go down there, worry, worry, worry, pray, pray, pray, and pray some more. All the information I’ve read says I should be able to, but I’m so scared. I can’t stand being away from him. CAN’T STAND IT!!! Hopefully he’ll still move me down there anyway like he said. I hope so. I hate this so much! But I can do this, I know I can do this even if I can’t go down there and have to wait until October to be with him again. I’ll just go visit him once a month like I planned. We’ll still have our plan and everything will be fine. I know everything will be fine and God will take care of everything. I prayed last night and I felt like everything had already been taken care of, so all I need to do is calm down. I just need to see how he’s taken care of it. I want his will to be done, and I know his will is always better than mine, I just kind of hope he wants what I want. I need to exercise, that’ll calm me down and give me something to do instead of being so bored. I hate sitting here and having nothing to do to justify sitting here all the time. I’m so freaking bored but I can’t think! I can’t focus! UGH!!! I would love to write to make all this doing nothing worth it, but how am I supposed to do it without being able to focus! I need to finish my profiles on those freelancing sites so I can start doing some jobs to make money, I need to write so I can finish my book, publish it so I can start my author career, and build my platform.
No organization and completely crazy right?
My mind is doing this, all day. Every day. And this isn’t even all of it. It’s extremely depressing not having him by my side. The weekend of his graduation and our marriage was the happiest weekend of my life. I was finally seeing him again after eight weeks of being apart! It was amazing and I clung to every minute I had with him, but it was also hard because I knew it would end. I cried on the way home.
I know it’s better now than it was, because at least now I can text him and call him every day before and after he goes to work, and all day on the weekends. But it’s still hard. I remind myself all the time that there are women out there going through worse things than me, like a deployment. I should be stronger, I shouldn’t cry, and I should be thankful I can’t talk to my husband every day. I am thankful, and my heart goes out to the women going through deployments. I still think I’ve been doing pretty well with this considering how some spouses do. I try hard to stay positive and don’t cry often, though it still sometimes happens. When he says he’s upset about something, he’s sad, or that he misses me, it tears me apart because I feel the same way. The only time either of us has gotten any good sleep was when we took a nap in our hotel room after our wedding. He told me just yesterday that fifteen minutes was the best sleep he’s gotten through this whole thing.
I know some people say I’m too hard on myself and that I should just give myself some slack. Some credit. I’m young, they say, but that only sounds like an excuse to me. Age isn’t an excuse, though I do know it’s a contributing factor in how I sometimes act, feel, or think. We both went into this knowing things would be hard, and we fully accept the consequences of our decision. I know I’m strong, and I know I can handle a lot. Maybe this is what God gave me my strong-will for, because I’m sure using it now to keep myself out of the sinkhole of depression. That doesn’t mean I don’t still struggle sometimes, because as you just read above, I battle it every day.
I commend every spouse, fiance, and girlfriend/boyfriend of a soldier in our military. Their lives may be hard, but that doesn’t mean ours aren’t too. Whether people realize it or not, you’re both in the military. When I talk about things we’re going to do after the military, I don’t say “when he gets out”, I say “when WE get out”. I know I need to be strong not only for my husband and his piece of mind, but I also need to be strong for my own sanity. We all need to.
I’m sorry for the long post. This morning wasn’t really a great one for me. Today is the day I should find out whether the military will let me move down there with my Airman or not. I’m super nervous and scared, but I know I’ve still gotta be strong no matter what.
I hope everyone has a good day today, and that you win your own battles as well.
~ Mrs. Airman

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